superhero.

Sometimes Superheros reside in the hearts of small children fighting big battles.
                                                                                      - Unknown


For my Sweet Boy who has always worn the cape,

You are my breath hold, you're my exhale.  You are my best accomplishment and my most intense fear.  You are my grey strands, you're my laugh lines.  You are my greatest weakness and my deepest strength. You are my downfall, you're my uplifter.  You are my tension, you're my release.  You are my best distraction and my focus in life.   You are my favourite teacher and my revealer of all life's lessons.

You are my batman, my superman, my light in the darkness, my bringer back to earth.  You are my hope in all humanity, you're my faith igniter.  

You are you, and all of who you are makes me all of who I am. You sweet boy are my superhero.

Love, Momma



In tribute to all you've achieved, and in honor of World Prematurity Day, a few photos from those very first moments… 

infinity.

Oh how I love these boys… to infinity and beyond.  <3

happy halloween… 

P.s. I was all ready to post these last night, on actual Halloween but my laptop refused to cooperate. ;)

suppressed.

Well I guess you could say my procrastination problem hit an all time high in that I haven't written for over a month now.  A couple weeks back; best buddy said, "seriously though, why don't you just shut it down?".  That bothered me, so I procrastinated another two weeks and now I'm back at it.  So much for that… Ahem… pledge I made… 

Anyway, today is day +124 after transplant (135 days since we arrived here) and I was sure we'd be headed home by now.  I was wrong.  Up until a few weeks ago Kiah had a relatively smooth transplant process with a few bumps along the way but there was no real reason to expect that we wouldn't  be transitioning home at this point.  Then a couple weeks back he began having trouble maintaining his platelets and is currently needing transfusions everyday.  His body is making platelets but they are being destroyed by an antibody.  We have been trying high dose steroids for several weeks but there has been no improvement (besides the 4 pounds he gained in the last month - all of which can be found in his cheeks).  Along with the steroids we are also trying a new med that suppresses his B cells (part of the immune system), as a way of stopping them from destroying his platelets.  This new medication could take weeks/months to work and until this is all figured out and his counts become and then remain stable we will be staying in Calgary. I am trying to adjust to this new reality, more time away from home and away from real life.  My main concern though is why this is happening with Kiah and getting all of it sorted out.  

You wouldn't know any of this to look at him, he's still busy running around, energetic, and being silly.  Daily hospital visits have been long and yet he still manages to make the most of it. Insisting on helping the nurses with absolutely everything and convincing them to watch Sesame Street or Doodlebop videos on YouTube while we wait.  He knows all of the very detailed steps of our day and is quick to remind me should he feel the need to.  He is a creature of habit and loves routine just like his Momma.  Just hoping for a new one back home in the not too distant future.

serious about the details...

cheers to you.

Cheers to five years of marriage, cheers to us, cheers to you… 

For loving me through the past thirteen years and all the moments you made sure I knew it. For dreaming big when my practicality wouldn't allow me the opportunity.  For believing in me when I didn't know my own strength and continuing to when I wavered in it.  For the joy, laughter and all the ways you are silly.  For trusting me with our greatest gift and for being more of a daddy to our boy then I could have ever imagined you would be.  For being present in life's moments, good and bad.  For being amazing in a crisis and helping me heal when the dust settles.  For somehow managing to always know exactly what I need.  For being everything I'm not and loving everything I am.  For choosing me on this day five years ago and on everyday afterward.  

Cheers to the next five, and the five after that, and the five after that… 




this day minus five years.

birthday boy.

Sweet, sweet boy,

Today baby boy you are three.  However you were sure to remind me this morning that you are a big boy and not a teeny tiny baby anymore.  (I'll do my best to let go one day, but I can't promise anything).  I usually write this early on your birthday, in the wee hours of the morning before you get up while I have some clarity of thought.  This year is different.  Here I am with just an hour left on this special day, struggling to find the words to describe to you how truly perfect you are, and how every bit of who you are inspires me.  I realize instead that I, along with help from others did our very best to show you today. 

This morning we woke up with dinosaur and kitty cat hugs and watched a special video (several times), sent by Auntie and Milo.  We then rushed out to a last minute clinic visit where you were greeted with the warmest birthday wishes of everyone who passed you by, it was as if you had a "Birthday Boy" sticker across your forehead.  Everyone remembered and they all made sure you felt special.  Before we left some of the gang came to sing "Happy Birthday" to you in the waiting room and give you a special gift.  You spent the rest of the morning listing all of the Doctors and Nurses who were there singing and even a few who were not.  I think you felt so overwhelmed at that moment you included a few with the rest of the bunch.  I went along with it knowing it added to you feeling special.  

After making a few more pit stops at the hospital we ventured out to the park.  You have had and continue to have no interest in the park equipment, just wanted to head over to the "special" basketball net where you can be lifted up to slam dunk the ball while saying "Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan" (not to sure if your hoping to channel him or what but it's pretty much become your routine).  A couple of times you got mad at the balloon I had tied to your pants, but were easily distracted by your love of the game and your need to practice your jump shot.  And while you were on the court today, two nurses sat in the shade each playing guitar right across from the net, what are the chances we could combine two of your very favourite things at the same exact time on your very special day.

From there we headed back to the Ronald McDonald house where some of the staff and the house guests were waiting to greet you, they sang "Happy Birthday" while you wore the special birthday hat and I think you felt pretty important covered in glitter and 
pom-poms.  For lunch you ate your usual hotdogs, cheese, and noodles this time on an Ernie-orange plate (cause you still see the world through Sesame Street coloured glasses and because orange is currently your favourite colour).  After lunch we went outside to blow bubbles on the deck.  This a great feat considering your long time fear of bubbles (makes me laugh after all you've been through and your scared of bubbles).  ;)

Afterwards it was time for a quick nap.  When you got up Daddy phoned and had a special surprise waiting for us downstairs.  You then stopped to notify me that Daddy was your best buddy, not shocking given his special present.  Along with that, a gift was left at the front door by one of the food service ladies you became attached to while on the unit (I am still in awe of how people are drawn to your spirit).  Then it was time for a walk down to the pond where we chased the ducks with the motorized boat that Daddy got you.  We also fed the ducks their "toast", (as you like to joke) and we giggled as we pretended they were singing "Happy Birthday" to you.  Your belly laugh is my most favourite sound in the world, it lights me up inside (not to be confused with the cackle you've been forcing out lately). :)  

By then, it was time for supper.  We ate in the dining room with the other house guests and before dinner you were presented with a special batman cake that the ladies had made for you.  Everyone sang Happy Birthday once again and you sunk down into your chair with the shy, coy little smile you often wear in these situations, loving every minute but not wanting to let on.  After dinner we did the same with a cupcake.  Almost every night you like to pretend it's someones birthday.  You poke straws, toothpicks or stir-sticks into a cupcake and after we sing you pretend to blow out the candles, so you have had a lot of practice since last year but there's nothing like the real thing.  You even made sure to share a cupcake with a friend and you were very proud to sit next to her at the table while you licked icing off your fingers.  Then it was time to show you the orange bike and helmet we got for you.   You were really proud riding it around the dining room with blue icing smeared all over your face.  :)

Next we played instruments (mainly the bongo drums you'd been asking for all day), and sang songs in the craft room.  Before leaving to go back to our room you drew pictures of happy faces as you often do and said goodnight to everyone.  After your shower we put our towel hats on (really just a formality considering you have no hair).  We cuddled in bed and phoned family who were waiting to wish you happy birthday, you were excited to "hang up" on them. Later, I tried to bongo drum your back, at first you thought this was very funny but I took it too far as I often do and you were done with me being silly.  Before it was time for bed we watched your favourite Elmo videos Will-i-am being at the top of the list and finished with Kitty Birdie (Katy Perry) chasing Elmo, while half-naked.  We said our goodnights and squeezed our dinosaur and kitty cat hugs before you cuddled/chewed your monkey to sleep.  

The day ended just as it had begun, and to think I've spent the last few weeks worried that you wouldn't feel extra loved on your special day.  Not just on your birthday but everyday, this space is my love letter to you.  I hope you read it one day and always know what a gift you are in my life.  You are the sweetest soul I have ever known.  I am your Mommy and you are my Buggy Bear in that very first moment three years ago and in every single moment afterwards.


Three!