blinded.

Calgary sent us home on Friday.  They need more time to research the best plan of action for Kiah and decide whether or not they want to proceed with the transplant given the risks. And that is all I am ready to say about that, instead I am trying my very best to focus on little man and soak up every second.

I am a spectator.  A Spectator in the life of a two year old.

When my fears get the best of me and I feel overwhelmed by it all, I watch my sweet boy unfazed by all of this, seeing joy in mundane things, and making the best of life.  He is having the time of his life, right now in the middle of all of this uncertainty.  This is all he knows and he is thriving right in the centre of it.

I know I will never fully grasp the impact he has on those he comes in contact with but what I do know is that people are drawn to him. He has a purpose that he's living out every moment of every day. I am blessed to see glimpses of that purpose evident in every little word he speaks, every coy smile he gives, every single thing he does.  His spirit is illuminating and his light is so bright, Momma needs some sunglasses.

I am a spectator in the back of his classroom and my old soul is teaching me the lessons I would otherwise never know.  

settled.

Yesterday we said goodbye to our home. On the drive down to Calgary I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that even Beyonce couldn't sooth, though she did try her best. Apparently her best was exactly what Kiah needed he sang "who run the world... Girls!", for a good 20 minutes before passing out. Daddy would've been so proud.  

Overall the day was really good. When we pulled into the parkade Kiah told me, "Mommy... Kiah excited!". His positive attitude makes his Momma sure proud (and also wonder where he got it from). ;) We met with a few transport team members and had some blood drawn. Once we finished all the pre-admitting stuff we got to leave the hospital for a few hours and came back just in time for bed.  

Today was busy Kiah had enzyme replacement therapy all afternoon and into the evening and we saw several different teams within the hospital as a precautionary measure for transplant. Coincidentally our new room is located right in front of the nursing station and Kiah is on top of the world. He peeks out the door and yells "Hi Ladies", pretty much all day. I guess Beyonce is teaching him all life's important lessons. 

ramblings.

My eyes are burning and blurry, mostly allergies, partly tired, a bit from crying.  Actually I've managed to keep myself together for the most part. Busing myself with unimportant tasks and working hard at sanity.  Don't ask Keon, he has a different story.  That story, his story, I'm sure would start something like… "She's a mess...  Seriously a mess and she's crazy."

The official packing has commenced, sort of.  I've gathered some things together in a pile by the back door and allowed myself to become distracted by more mindless tasks that I am convincing myself just need to get done.  Like Windex the kitchen table or wash the annoying car toys. I need to get a grip, I'm leaving on Tuesday and the suitcases are empty. I've called in reinforcements and they will be here bright and early to keep the boy busy and help me find the remote and the couch it's hiding on, somewhere under the laundry piled high.  It's clean at least, which is more than I can say for the rest of the house right now… or my hair for that matter.

Laundry aside I'm soaking up all the time I can with family, knowing that soon I won't see them for long periods of time.  I miss everyone already and have a hard time imagining how we will make it months without seeing them as often as we do.  Both mine and Keon's families as well as friends have been such great support for us and it's scary to leave that behind.  They'll visit and help out, and it may not be the same but it will be exactly what we need.  Just don't want to miss all the exciting little moments and events important to those I love while we're away.

ps.  I found another way to procrastinate… your looking at it.  "Oh no I can't tackle that Everest laundry pile… I must ramble on mindlessly in an incoherent blog post."


Other ways I found to avoid the inevitable...  

  

number one.

Well here it goes...  I've intended to write this for a little over three years now and am relieved to be finally starting this little space.  I am totally a procrastinator and this is just one piece of the pile of evidence currently strewn about my life right now.  Not only a procrastinator but also a perfectionist, the two conflict quite a bit.  I put off doing things for fear they won't turn out perfectly.  And because of these personality pitfalls I have missed documenting so much of our journey.  There's no time like the present, and all guilt aside I am beginning this blog right now. 

I won't rewind and playback all the details and emotions of our story, I simply wouldn't do it justice.  I'll begin right now, here and today… 

We are in the thick of the most difficult time in our lives and though I am trying my best to let the sweetness triumph, most days I feel like I'm failing miserably.  I am terrified. Honestly I feel like I can't breath.  There are a lot of positive feelings I am sure I am supposed to be feeling, and trust me I want to be feeling them.  But nope… just terrified.

He is 2.  His name is Kiah and he is perfect.  Kiah needs a stem cell transplant and early next week we will be packing up and moving to Calgary so we can begin the process.  The good news is that sunshine follows him where ever he goes. My boy isn't phased at all, just as is sweet as ever.  Enjoying our daily appointments, telling the doctors and nurses what to do and soaking up all the attention.  As long as there are stickers involved he is happy.  Momma needs to take notes, this boy's got all the answers and he hides them deep in that old soul.