sidelines.

Grief is all consuming…  I catch myself holding my breath as she checks the list of the children that have been Doctor approved to venture outside, knowing already he's not on it. He received a cowboy hat and we were invited to the parade, that is until she realized we weren't on the list.  Instead we watch through the window of an empty playroom as the other children participate, hoping to get a glimpse of the passers by.  And he celebrates the small pleasure of simply being able to leave his hospital room for a few short minutes. Seemingly unfazed by the glass pain that separates him and the the other children.  Once again teaching his Momma a lesson…

This heartache has been building since I laid eyes on all 2 lbs 8 oz of him.  I have been forced to let go on this journey of everything I envisioned this stage in my life would be. And every time I reach a place of acceptance and peace, I am hit with a new more challenging reality. Today it just hit me in the form of an imaginary drum, beaten by an imaginary drummer, marching in a parade he never really got to see.

The truth is there will be more imaginary drummers, deflated balloons, candy left unopened, floats never seen.  But for all the experiences we miss out on having there are moments we will never take for granted, moments everyday that we catch ourselves staring into that sweet face in awe.  And though reality is sometimes harsh there are pieces of this journey that are far greater than I ever dreamt they would be.


unfazed...